Sobriety is the Spice of life.
October 2020.
It’s 8.45 on Saturday morning. There would have been a time when I would’ve been hanging out my own arsehole right now, or even worse only just crawling in from a night out, waking my whole family up because I’ve no doubt lost my keys, again. But not today! Oh no! Not anymore, those days are well and truly behind me. I have been clean and sober since Wednesday 17th January 2018 and I don’t care how big headed, arrogant, or smug this sounds: I couldn’t be any prouder of myself or how I’ve managed to turn my life around.
I’m not entirely sure how to tell my ‘Sober Story’ or where to begin, so if you don’t mind, I’m just going to write how I speak and start with my love of Rose Wine. I never used to drink wine, my original drink was Malibu and coke – no ice. When I was nineteen, I moved to Spain and they don’t measure their spirits over there. Can you imagine? I was drinking pints of Malibu! It played havoc on my waistline. I kid you not, I put on 2 and a half stone in 3 months! That’s when I changed to vodka and Fanta, yep it’s as bad as it sounds. So anyway, when I used to come home to London it would take me forever and cost me a fortune to get drunk, so I forced myself to drink wine. Then I slowly fell in love with rose wine. I didn’t have a sophisticated palette. I used to drink that proper trash, luminous pink, sickly sweet rose wine, with a dash of lemonade (to take the edge off). I never used to bother with an ice bucket, it was pointless. I would quite easily smash a bottle of wine down my face within 20 minutes. I used to drink wine like water. I’m lucky enough now to be able to look back and laugh but I can promise you it wasn’t always like that and I can’t begin to tell you the heartbreak my drinking caused my family. It’s something I’m slowly beginning to forgive myself for but something I think I will never really let go of, if that makes sense.
I’m very much an all or nothing type of person, so the idea of just going for a few drinks and going home at a reasonable time was completely foreign to me and quite frankly something I’d always found impossible. I worked in pubs for 12 years, so it was completely normal and even expected that you’d have a drink after work. You’d always find me propped up at the end of the bar or at ‘the judgement table’ (as we liked to call it) hours after my shift had finished. Or at stupid o’clock in the morning with my work friends sitting around the fireplace, long after the pub had closed. I’d always be the last one at the party, in the kitchen, refusing to let the night end, even if that was two days after the night had started! I was literally ‘Queen of the Session’. Now I’m sober I can fully appreciate that it wasn’t because I was having the best time of my life, it was probably something that’s a lot more deep rooted. I would go missing for days. My poor mum would be calling around my friends to see if they knew where I was, my family had a WhatsApp group chat about me and I would stay out later to avoid going home completely battered at 8pm. I nearly always had a knot in the pit of my stomach because I knew deep down that I’d f*!#ked up again and that my drinking was causing a problem in my home, which in turn would make me want to go out and get drunk again so I didn’t have to deal with it. It was a very vicious cycle. Basically, for a very long period in my life I was either drunk, hungover or drinking to cure my hangover. But please don’t let this fool you, I still loved drinking. Even now I can look back with fond memories and laugh at how much of an absolute wreck head I was and I count myself lucky to be able to do that, I’m fully aware that some people don’t have that luxury.
So, here’s the moment of truth **cue dramatic music** I can’t take the credit for getting sober. My family actually had an intervention. Can you believe it? My drinking had become that much of a problem that my family felt the need to step in. This was after all the heart to hearts, the self-help books on how to stop being such a selfish little bitch and God only knows the number of hours of the dreaded silent treatment. Two of my sisters had attended an all-day seminar that had helped them to quit smoking and the same company ran a similar programme to help you quit drinking. The seminar was on a Sunday, so I had to get up early to get down to the arse end of South London. I genuinely just thought that it would help me to control my drink problem, to give me the strength to know when to call it a night. I never for a second thought it would change my life the way that it did. I can hand on heart say that I would still be drinking if I didn’t do the seminar. I wouldn’t have been able to stop drinking by myself. I won’t say I’ve got no shame in admitting that, its more that I’ve the balls to be honest about it.
I can’t fully explain how the seminar works because even now I don’t fully understand… honest to God, its mental! They basically just explain to you that drinking is dumb and ask why would you carry on drinking when it’s literally the sole thing that is destroying your life? We as a society are made to think that drinking is ‘sexy’. Please, let me tell you; I’ve been on a date sober while the fella got drunk and there was nothing ‘sexy’ about him… it was repulsive! We’re told that drinking makes you ‘funny’. Oh yeah, you’re a barrel of laughs when no one can understand a bloody word you’re saying. We’re forced to believe that we need Dutch Courage to chat someone up, implying that alcohol makes you ‘confident’. But actually, when you look at the bigger picture it’s doing the reverse. Now you think you don’t have any confidence unless you’ve had a drink, it’s a very clever trap.
Obviously, I don’t want to give all the seminar’s secrets and tricks away, mainly in case they sue me (and I ain’t got the money for that!) but there was a specific point in the seminar that got me. It was like all the dark, long brick corridors in my mind had come down and all of a sudden, I was outside in a field breathing in the fresh air. I know how much of a twat I sound when I say that, but I don’t care, I stand by it! The light had been turned on, I could begin to smell freedom and I could feel myself changing. When we describe being drunk we use words that have a negative connotation (I just had to ask my sister how to explain that). “I was battered last night”, “she was paralytic”, “he was annihilated”. What is the image you see when you think of the word ‘battered’? Why would you want to be like someone who physically can’t use their limbs? What is the true meaning of the word ‘annihilated’? But the word that stuck with me the most and still does to this day was ‘wasted’. I didn’t want to be wasted anymore. Obviously, I don’t want to waste my life and all the rest of it but I didn’t want to waste ME, I’m far too important and I’ve got way too much to give to the world to be wasted. It made me think about all the strengths of my personality and the things I can achieve when I put my mind to it. Then I thought about the time I was feeling rough as sandpaper after my friend Alex’s 30th and I got a cab from home to Favourite Chicken and then went back home and just ate fried chicken in my bed. I didn’t want to be that person anymore, I’m better than that (granted it’s not difficult, I was such a mess that day). I remember calling my sister during the seminar fag break and telling her “something’s changed in me, I don’t want to drink anymore, this is some crazy witchcraft stuff right here, how has this happened?”. I couldn’t get my head around it and for the rest of the day I literally held on to every word this fella said. What he was saying was golden and it was for keeps. It wasn’t just this Dry January or Sober October bollocks that you do (I only ever managed two days) where you spend the whole time clucking for a drink, counting down the days and refusing to go to the pub or anywhere else in case you slip up and have a drink and then if you have the one drink you might as well go the whole hog and make a night of it! I didn’t want to drink anymore. I didn’t feel like I was missing out or like I was depriving myself of something I love and brought me the most amount of joy. I felt like I was free, like I was cured, and I knew in my heart that I would never go back.
The very same night I went down the pub. I don’t know if I did it as a test to myself or to prove a point, or just because I knew I could now go down the pub without having a drink. When I went in, the usual suspects were there. I went up to the bar and Dan the barman, only a young boy about 18, reached up to get a wine glass and I said “no, I’m not having a wine “. So he asked me if I wanted a vodka and I said “No, I’m not drinking, I’ll just have a blackcurrant and soda”. Now, as I said before I was a renowned drinker, so the fella sitting a few seats down from me at the bar says to me “oh, you doing that dry January?” I said “nah, I’m just not drinking at the moment”, so the landlord who was sitting on the table behind me literally shouts “Tilly Ann Martin, are you not drinking? Are you pregnant?” and we have a giggle and I say “nah I’ve just been caning it a bit lately” and it’s all pretty much forgotten about. I played a few games of pool with some of the younger boys that I adore in there and I had a proper laugh; a really good, healthy night. You think it’s weird that I used the word “healthy” don’t you? I won’t lie it is a bit weird, but I mean it in the sense that it was healthy for my mind. I left at closing time as sober as a judge and walked home feeling like I was wrapped in cashmere. I’d had my first night in the pub as a ‘Sober Sister’ and I managed it! I didn’t die, I didn’t shrivel up from dehydration or crumble into a pile of ash on the floor. It felt good, I felt good. Aretha Franklin ‘Freedom’ is my theme tune as I’m walking home with a big, fat smile on my face, sass in my step and a whole new outlook on life… Bitch, I’m about ready to take on the world!!
‘People fear what they don’t understand. Hate what they can’t conquer, guess it’s just the theory of man.’ – Nas
Whilst I got an amazing amount of support from my friends and family for getting off the sauce, you wouldn’t believe the amount of stick I took for it as well. “What? You’re not drinking?”, “Pah, I’ll believe that when I see it!”, “Your weird little cult”, “How do you even have fun?”, “That won’t last!”, “Urgh, you’re so boring!”. The irony; people were calling me boring because I didn’t need to have a drink to enjoy myself…think about it. No one ever bangs on at people or guilt trips them for not doing heroin on a night out to have a good time, but not drinking copious amount of alcohol? Blasphemy!! Alcohol is a drug, but I was literally getting badgered for not drinking, even to this day people still ask me “you still not drinking?” – change the f*!~king record! I’m not going to start drinking now after nearly two years of being sober, surely people realise that. It seemed I didn’t have a problem with me not drinking but everyone else did, and if truth be told, it’s not something I blame people for. Not only was I always seen with a glass of wine in my hand, it’s the way we as society have been conditioned to think, especially in this country. We wet the baby’s head, drown our sorrows, celebrate and relax with a drink; it’s just what we do. I remember pulling my mate Donna outside the pub and breaking the news to her that I’d stopped drinking and at the time being met with genuine sadness. Now it’s something she’s really proud of me for but understandably it was a big shock at first.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you how wonderful and brilliant and fantastic my life has been since I packed up the drink. I promised myself I would be brutally honest when writing this. I actually had quite a rough time, not with giving up the alcohol, but with everything else. Quite frankly I had a rough time with me, myself. I’m quite a bubbly person and I love being happy and laughing and just generally being a bit of a knob, but there’s a flip side to me that’s actually very sad. She’s always been there and I’ve always thought it’s just part of life; adolescence, grieving for my dad who I lost on my 16th birthday (something that hit me really hard), heartbreak, being hungover or just generally unhappy with life and I’ve always self-medicated with drink and drugs. Take all that away, I now had to face the problems that I’d been avoiding for the best part of 20 years…. shit!!!!
By June 2018 I’d more than less stopped going out completely, I was a recluse, a full blown hermit, a professional loner! The thought of going anywhere began to make me feel really anxious (on my 31st birthday I actually had a full-blown panic attack when I did go out and my friend Michelle had to nearly carry me out the back door). I couldn’t face the Spanish f!*#king inquisition about why I wasn’t drinking or why I hadn’t been out or why I’d lost so much weight and all the rest of it. I was spending a lot of time in bed, a lot of time crying and not enough time laughing. Yet again my family came to my rescue – honestly, I’m such a liability, I don’t know how they put up with me! I went to the doctors and was given medication to help take the edge off my mood a bit and had CBT therapy with a therapist called Rebecca who always had beautiful wigs and I actually found it quite helpful. Recently I did meet with a psychiatrist but it’s not for me, maybe I’m still too scared to get that deep, maybe I just want to move forward with my life or maybe it was because he was twenty five minutes late to our first session which made me cry – either way I’ve sacked it off. I’m still on the tablets and make sure I actively do things that benefit my mental health – yoga, mindfulness, watching Gavin and Stacy and spending time with the people I love.
Now, less of all of that – I promise it ain’t all doom and gloom! I have managed to adjust to my new life and the ‘new me’, as they say, and do you know what? It’s alright! Slowly I’ve started going out again if I want to and I go home when I’ve had enough. I’ve learnt not to drink water like I drank wine and to pace myself or I’ll spend the night in the toilet and all my efforts to become sober will just make me look like a coke head. I drink my non-alcoholic drink in a champagne glass because I’m still an absolute f*@#ing diva and when someone’s alarmed because they think I’m drinking alcohol it feels like they’re giving me a hug instead of insulting me. I appreciate when Alicia always invites me out even though she knows I probably won’t go, or when my friend Danielle’s fella Jake always checks on me during a night out and asks if I want a water or ginger ale when he’s getting a round in. I allow myself to feel the love when someone says they’re proud of me. Most importantly I’ve learnt to own the fact that I’m sober, to love it and to be proud of it. Quite recently I’ve discovered a whole world on social media that celebrates sobriety, it’s an amazing community to be part of and it’s definitely helped me a lot. I’ve managed to find a balance in my life that I’m going to find hard to explain here …. I can enjoy myself now without doing the things that used to make me happy. ‘Going out’ doesn’t mean having to go to a setting that involves alcohol, it could be going for pancakes for breakfast with Rochelle, or spending time with my god daughters and their beautiful mums, having Card Nights with the girls, idle chit chat over cups of tea, Sunday dog walks with Lucy and Lulu.
I’ve achieved a lot since I’ve been sober, things I never would have been able to if I was still an absolute lush. I found my vocation in life – pretty big deal, ay! I started working at a Forensic Mental Health Care Home for men – which I loved! It’s an extremely hard job and awful money but I felt like I was made for it! Although our residents suffered with the likes of paranoid schizophrenia, personality disorders and severe depression, drug and alcohol abuse were also quite a big problem within the home. I feel like my own struggles with addiction gave me an insight into this and made me better at my job and I think it’s still relevant now where I currently work at a Women’s Refuge. Never in a million years would I have been able to do either of these jobs and give my all to these amazing men and women if I was still a drinker. I started up a small non-profit organisation called The Little Things UK in October 2018, we hold a weekly outreach that helps the homeless in London, we give out hot food and drinks, clothes, sleeping bags, toiletries, haircuts – the full whack! Granted it’s grown because of the team and all the hard work they put in (I could get sober but I couldn’t get organised!) but once upon a time it was a little idea in my head that I managed to put in motion and I never would’ve been able to do that with a hangover!
There are lots of little things that I’m proud of like learning how to drive, saving money etc, but my biggest achievement is the relationship I have with my two nephews. Tommy was born Christmas day 2018 and Guy was born 6th May 2020 (10 weeks early). There would’ve been a time when I would never have been trusted (and rightly so) to look after either of the boys. The thought of me holding Guy when he was so tiny makes me shiver. I was just a mess. Now I’m not. Now I’m trusted to look after them regularly and it’s hands down the biggest joy in my life. I love them with every bit of me. I can’t wait till they’re older and hear stories of me being an absolute piss artist and won’t believe it – ‘no, aunty would never do that!’ – if only they knew! I love spending the money that could’ve been wasted on wine on them and the time I would’ve spent hungover with them. They’ve bought a whole new dimension into my life.
Right, I’m going to wrap it all up now, I think I’ve gone on long enough. Without wanting to sound like an Oscar acceptance speech I just want to say a massive thank you and send huge love to my mum Maria, my sisters Ella, Abby, Darcie and my brother in laws James and Paul. Not just for the love, support and patience you’ve shown me over the last two years, but always – God only knows what I’d be without you.
**Update**
· In December 2020 I started seeing a psychiatrist to help deal with my depression, I still go weekly.
· I’m no longer working at the women’s refuge; I’m currently working at Children’s Home.
· In addition to my two nephews, my niece Lola was born in September 2021, I’m obsessed with her as much as I am with the boys.
· I’m four years clean and sober!
In Loving Memory of James ‘Aussie Jim’ Carter
The ‘Boria Babe’ who could light up any room, he was unbelievably funny, wise beyond his years and ridiculously cheeky. Always loved, never forgotten.
I'll have a Ginger Ale please... in a Champagne glass. 